What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:44
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But, we were locked up after school.
What do you think about a sister's love?
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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My life is so biszare .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Was to survive, this bastard.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Atheists who have read the Bible and think that contains immoral things, why do you assume that?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Is it possible to become homeless after being released from jail or prison in the United States?
Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do I smell bad even though I have good hygiene?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
How many wishes do people get on their birthday?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It seems that I am cursed with bad luck. How do I break such a curse?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Have you ever had a bad gut feeling about someone and it was right?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I don,t even have a pension.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So whats the point in blame.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was in good health!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Would this be the day?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
I couldn’t, believe it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I have no regrets .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
So, i spoilt her more .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was 9 years of age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I said to her
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was scared of men, in general
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She wouldn,t have been !
I will be 64.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We all went to grammer schools
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.